


Bad Dream

by taedreamer



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Idols, M/M, Night Terrors, Post-debut, Pre-debut, Recovery, Self-Hatred, Self-Sacrifice, Sexual Abuse, Team as Family, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-01-20 22:14:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21289013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taedreamer/pseuds/taedreamer
Summary: Jeonghan routinely blamed his poor sleeping habits on too much coffee or stress, but everyone in the dorm knew it stemmed much deeper.
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups & Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo | Joshua & Yoon Jeonghan, Yoon Jeonghan & Everyone
Comments: 60
Kudos: 208





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this starts in the summer of 2013 at pledis entertainment during training and seventeen tv (i did not watch seventeen tv or learn ab svt until their debut in 2015 so all of the info i use is coming from the internet or assumptions based on what i do know. sorry if smth is incorrect or doesn't make sense!!)
> 
> this is fiction and does not represent my thoughts on pledis or their actions as a company
> 
> this is not a fun story!! it came from a really bad dream i had when all of the scandals were going on and it is basically a very bad/triggering word vomit!! take the warnings seriously!
> 
> okay now that that's done, enjoy love y'all :)

The first time it happened, Jisoo was lying in the bed above him. The two were still relatively new, only having been at Pledis for a couple months. Jisoo was settling in a little easier, while Jeonghan was still hiding behind the younger wherever they went.

The screams had startled Jisoo awake nearly immediately, the boy shooting straight up with wide eyes and a sharp gasp. He had peered over the railing quickly, half expecting to see someone attacking his friend with the terrified noises he was emitting. The boy was a little shocked to find his friend alone, writhing and screaming, covers discarded on the ground.

Upon climbing down and getting a closer look at Jeonghan, the younger easily noticed the tears leaking out of closed eyes. Jisoo went to shake the boy awake before the entire dorm came rushing in, gently reaching out and grabbing his shoulder. The contact was a mistake.

Jeonghan screamed louder, flinching away from whoever Jisoo was in his nightmare, letting out short pleas. Despite the cries, the words were what really scarred the younger boy.

"Please! Don't- I won't- Please!"

Jisoo's eyes were as wide as saucers, scared and unsure. There was a loud knock at the door, pulling the younger away from his sleeping friend.

Seungcheol burst into the room without much care for an answer, Junhui, Jihoon, and a manager stumbling in behind him. The oldest boy immediately tensed at seeing Jeonghan so distressed, eyes flickering around the room and landing on Jisoo. The two younger trainees stayed in the doorway, confused and alarmed. The manager pushed through the two boys, rolling his eyes and grunting once he made it all the way inside.

"What the fuck happened?" Seungcheol had been just as shocked as Jisoo was, standing a few paces away from the bed. Jeonghan's screaming was a little quieter, but his begging was crystal clear to those in the room. The words made the oldest trainee shudder and push forward. The manager stayed where he was standing, looking irritated.

"Jeonghan. Jeonghan! Wake up!" Seungcheol tried crying out to the boy before leaning over him and shaking his arm roughly. The words didn't do much, but the touch set him off once again. The screams were just as loud as before and Seungcheol flinched back as if he had been burned. He looked to Jisoo questioningly, looking away dejectedly when the younger shook his head, out of ideas. The manager finally huffed, stepping forward and pushing Seungcheol over. He grabbed the younger's shoulders and shook violently. Jeonghan's head wobbled with the force of the movement, and his eyes were quickly snapping open. He shot straight up, arms flailing out and accidentally hitting the manager, who grumbled and backed away.

Jeonghan looked like he had been through hell, his hair unruly and sticking to his sweat-slicked forehead. His eyes were wide, searching around him as if he was still trapped in whatever nightmare he had been having. His mouth was parted slightly, his breathing labored and shaky. The absence of screams left the room feeling entirely too suffocating, and Jisoo stepped a little closer to the crying boy.

"Jeonghan?" The word made the boy look up quickly, tense and untrusting. Once he registered Jisoo's soft eyes, he relaxed a little, glancing quickly around at the rest of the faces.

Seungcheol looked helpless, confused. Junhui was concerned, eyes wide and a bit afraid. Jihoon was turned away from him, concentrating on the bodies pooling in the doorway. Four sets of confused eyes peered in at him from the hall. Jeonghan recognized Chan, Seungkwan, Seokmin, and Mingyu, all barely awake and completely confused.

"Out. Go to bed." Jihoon was corralling the boys away from the scene before them, shutting the door softly behind him as he left. The room was silent once again.

Jeonghan closed his eyes momentarily, trying to keep his breathing calm. The kids had seen him.

"What's wrong with you? It's nearly three in the morning and you wake up screaming?" Jeonghan's eyes snapped open at the voice of their manager. He looked up and backed away slightly after seeing the man's furious gaze.

"It wasn't like he did it on purpose, hyung." Seungcheol, their ever just leader, spoke up in his defense. The manager looked less than impressed by the back talk, glaring quickly at the oldest before sighing and turning to leave.

"You all better be ready by six. We're not going to be late because of this."

His last words were grumbled and Seungcheol tried to mutter out an affirmative, but the man was gone before he could get it out. Instead he sighed and looked at the ceiling for a moment, as if he was roping in his temper. Jeonghan looked down at his lap, reaching up to wipe his face when he realized he was still crying.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened, it must have just been a bad dream. I don't-" The boy cut himself off when he realized he was rambling, decided fiddling with his fingers instead.

Jisoo reached out and rubbed the older's back lightly. Jeonghan tried not to flinch, but despite his best effort, he couldn't help the way his body lurched. The younger stuttered in his movements, but continued in his comforting nonetheless.

Junhui, who had been silent up until now, stepped forward and swallowed quickly. 

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Jeonghan kept his head down, waiting a few tense seconds before shaking it softly. Junhui nodded to himself, looking even more concerned and entirely out of his element.

Seungcheol rubbed a hand over his tired face, glancing between the scared boy and Jisoo. The younger looked lost.

"Jun, go help Jihoon with the kids. Put them to bed. Tell them it was just a nightmare and everything's fine. Make sure they sleep, we can't be fucking up at practice tomorrow." Seungcheol didn't mean for the words to come out so harsh, but Jeonghan couldn't help but feel guilty. He hadn't meant for it to happen.

The youngest nodded again, looking a little more sure now that he had something to do. He left quietly, making sure not to slam the door on accident.

Seungcheol turned back to Jeonghan, who was still crying profusely despite his best efforts not to. His breathing was calm, but the tears just wouldn't stop coming. The oldest couldn't help but feel bad for the boy, but he needed everyone to get back to bed. Their manager wasn't going to be forgiving if they couldn't keep their eyes open at practice tomorrow.

"Jeonghan, what happened?" The boy just shook his head, not knowing what to say. He couldn't think, all he could do was see the scared faces of his dongsaengs and the anger behind their manager's eyes.

Jisoo stopped his movements to shift further into Jeonghan's vision. The older tried not to look up, but Jisoo grabbed his hand and pulled it into his lap. Jeonghan's eyes flickered up briefly, catching the confusion and sadness hidden in the younger's brown eyes.

"Has this happened before?" Jisoo's voice was quieter and more sympathetic than their group-appointed leader, and Jeonghan felt himself wanting to say something reassuring. He wanted to apologize and pretend nothing had happened and move on. He just wanted to forget.

"No. I'm sorry. I don't know what happened." Jisoo nodded and smiled despite the obvious conflict in his eyes.

Seungcheol just sighed from where he was standing, contemplating what to say.

"Let's just go back to bed. Do you need anything, Jeonghan?" They younger boy averted his eyes and softly shook his head. Seungcheol pressed his lips into a thin line and looked at the youngest. Jisoo was yawning, running his thumb over the back of Jeonghan's hand soothingly. They were already exhausted from practice and vocal training. The next day was not going to go over well.

"Okay. Try to get some sleep. Goodnight." The boy hadn't meant to be so curt, but he was just too drained to do anything about it. Jeonghan didn't look up or respond. Jisoo nodded quietly, but didn't spare they're oldest a glance as he left.

Jeonghan took a deep breath before wiping his face once again. He didn't know how he could possibly still be crying.

Jisoo let go of the older's hand, going to stand. Jeonghan's eyes widened and he shot his arm out, latching onto the younger's wrist. The boy stopped his movements and glanced at the older.

"I- Can you stay? It's okay if not, I just-" Jeonghan was stuttering and rambling once again and Jisoo quickly agreed, if only to make the fear on the older's face diminish. When it did, albeit only slightly, Jisoo sunk back down onto the bed, retrieving the blanket from the floor.

Jeonghan settled slightly then, allowing himself to get comfortable on the small bed, Jisoo behind him.

"Thank you." Jeonghan sounded helpless and the younger let out a little breath when he heard the boy.

"Of course, Hannie."


	2. Chapter 2

Sometimes Jeonghan talked about it, about the nightmares that he could never quite escape from. Normally he didn't.

The first night stuck with him, stuck with all of them, but the next few had slowly blurred into the background. They were busy, with vocal training and dance practice and Seventeen TV. They didn’t really have time for Jeonghan to lose it.

The second time Jeonghan had woke everyone up screaming was much like the first. Jisoo had shook him gently, saddening at the scared flinch and intense scream Jeonghan gave him. Seungcheol had barged in again, eyes wide but less panicked than they had been weeks before. Junhui was in the doorway, staring, confused. Jihoon hadn’t made an appearance that time, instead choosing to keep the kids corralled in their respective bedrooms. The manager had also neglected to show, and nobody spared it a second thought.

Seungcheol had been the one to grab Jeonghan’s shoulders and shake him wildly, cringing at the way his friend’s head wobbled lifelessly before suddenly springing to life. His eyes were wide, arms flailing and legs kicking in order to defend himself from the intruding touch. The oldest stepped back suddenly, making sure to avoid the flying limbs.

Jeonghan’s screams had quieted immediately, but the tears had only just begun. They fell down his sweaty face in steady streams, blurring the boy’s already weak vision. What was different than last time, however, was the way that Jeonghan’s breathing refused to slow down. His pants quickly turned to sobs, and then to choked gasps as he struggled for air. Jisoo was the one who sprung into action then, despite the renewed fear in his eyes.

A soft hand on Jeonghan’s back had brought on a worse round of coughing and sputtering, wide eyes desperate as they locked on Jisoo’s. The younger wasn’t sure how to help, if anything would help, but he did as much as he could. Ten minutes later and Jeonghan was starting to breathe correctly. His skin had grown pale and his lips looked much more chapped than usual, but the other boys ignored it. It took a few more minutes before the boy was done sobbing, his body steadying and his heart rate slowing down. The tears never stopped flowing.

Junhui had once again asked if his hyung was okay or if he wanted to talk about it, and Jeonghan just shook his head softly once again. The younger left after that, steps weary and eyes concerned. Seungcheol had sighed and made to follow, before stopping and turning toward the two boys.

“Is this going to be a regular thing?” The boy had sounded so tired, and not just because it was two in the morning. The burden of trainee life was getting to them all. The oldest just hadn’t realized exactly how bad it was getting to Jeonghan.

The younger boy had looked at him for a slow second before opening his mouth. He had wanted to apologize for the disruption, tell him it wouldn’t happen again, but all he could do was gulp and close his mouth.

Seungcheol had nodded then, mostly to himself, before stepping out of the room and shutting the door that Junhui had left cracked.

Jeonghan and Jisoo didn’t say anything that night, the older decidedly rolling over to face the wall. Jisoo had stared at him for a long time before slowly sliding down beside him and curling into his back.

The third and fourth times were practically identical. It was always Seungcheol and Junhui that came bounding in, Jisoo who calmed him down. With each passing nightmare Jeonghan found himself growing more and more guilty, especially when he heard the kids complaining of being exhausted the next morning.

It was about a year and a half after the first nightmare that Chan had asked him about it. They had been becoming more and more frequent, one occurring almost every other night. Jisoo had gotten quick at climbing down his bunk and shaking the older boy awake, but the screams were always enough to have the entire dorm groaning awake.

Seungcheol had stopped coming after about six months, knowing that his presence wasn’t exactly necessary if Jisoo could wake him. Junhui had held on a little longer, slowly making his way down to Jeonghan and Jisoo’s room for another month or two after the oldest had given up. Junhui had never seemed put out by the action, despite how often he did it, and Jeonghan was grateful for that. However, Jeonghan was not grateful for the incessant staring and questioning that the younger boy kept directing at him. The quiet Do you want to talk about it, hyung? had slowly but surely turned into Tell me what happened, why are you so fucking scared?

Jeonghan had ignored the disrespect, ignored the boy altogether, save the tiny shake of his head. Junhui had began to grow impatient with the older’s unwillingness, and his visits to Jeonghan’s room had grown fewer and fewer until they had disappeared altogether.

Jisoo was the only one who ever saw his scared, tear-streaked face anymore. The boy was always gentle with Jeonghan, except for when he had to shake him awake, and the older appreciated the tenderness more than any of them would ever know.

Sometimes Jeonghan would wake up with Jisoo pushed up behind him, the blanket strewn over them haphazardly, and think about how fucking selfish he was. The older had put this on Jisoo, begged him to stay, and Jisoo had been too sweet, too desperate to keep his first friend, that he had complied immediately. Jeonghan had noticed the growing circles under the boy’s eyes, circles that reminded him distinctly of his own. He had noticed the younger’s sluggishness at dance practices and his irritability with anyone who wasn’t Jeonghan. He was so selfish, and the guilt multiplied.

“Hyung, why do you have nightmares?” Chan had never asked before. None of the kids had. Only Junhui, Seungcheol, and Jisoo asked, and even his roommate had eventually ceased his attempts, knowing that Jeonghan wouldn’t tell.

The older boy had assumed the kids had been told to keep quiet, not to ask questions or bother their hyung. When he thought about it, Jihoon had been the obvious culprit. The younger boy didn’t talk to him much, but when he did, he was soft. He asked if Jeonghan was eating enough, if he was making sure to stay warm. The older always replied with a small smile, and nothing else ever came of it. Until now.

Chan was looking as though he had just broken a rule and was waiting for his punishment. The boy looked small and tired, and Jeonghan felt the guilt boiling in his throat. He couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t tell anyone, no matter what.

“I don’t know, Channie. Why do you have nightmares?” The question was meant to put a smile on the youngest’s face, to show him how dumb his question sounded, but Jeonghan found himself to be the only one smiling.

Chan had knitted his eyebrows together, his eyes shining with confusion and uncertainty. Jeonghan kept his lips turned upward, too afraid of what Chan might think if he didn’t.

“What are they about?” The boy wasn’t taking the hint, and Jeonghan was silently panicking. He didn’t know what to say. The truth was obviously out of the question, but what else was so painful, so terrifying, that it would have Jeonghan screaming his head off almost every night, practically inconsolable.

Jeonghan’s smile fell without his permission and the older didn’t miss the way Chan’s eyes narrowed at the change. Jeonghan felt like the boy knew, even though it was impossible. He felt as though Chan had seen through every one of his walls, as if they all had.

“Sometimes I miss home, or I get afraid of silly things. When I was little, I used to have a reoccurring dream that there was a monster under my bed that only ate feet. It was traumatizing. Sometimes I dream about that.” Jeonghan tried to make his story sound believable and light, and he felt as though he had succeeded when Chan huffed out a laugh and shook his head. Jeonghan forced out a breathy laugh as well, hoping it sounded genuine.

The younger smiled at his hyung, small and tight. The older smiled back, wide and overenthusiastic.

“Why haven’t you ever gone to see someone about the screaming, like a doctor or something?” This question was less intrusive, more curious, and Jeonghan looked back down at his phone. He had been in the middle of playing a game, something to pass the time until the rest of the boys got back to the dorms and he could force Mingyu to cook him dinner. The game had long since ended, forgotten when Chan had spoken up.

The older boy didn’t know how to answer the question. The company definitely wasn’t going to pay for a doctor or, more specifically, a therapist. They were the ones doing this to him in the first place.

Even so, Jeonghan had considered telling his parents that he needed to see a doctor. He knew he wasn’t fairing well without sleep, hadn’t been for over a year, but there would be too many questions. His parents wouldn’t understand, wouldn’t even try to. Jeonghan was half sure they would pull him out of Pledis at the first sign of distress. The boy couldn’t do that to the trainees he had grown so protective of. He couldn’t do it to Chan, or Seungcheol, or, most importantly, Jisoo.

“I don’t really think there’s anything to do about it, Channie. I’m sorry I always wake you up so early. Maybe I’ll take you out for lunch sometime to make up for it, yeah? Now go bother Minghao, he needs friends.” The older boy was quick to send the younger off toward the new Chinese trainee. Junhui wasn’t in the dorms, and Minghao hadn’t really spoken to anyone else yet, or even attempted to. Jeonghan had been trying to make time, but he knew that the younger boy was confused and put off by the regular screaming that echoed around the dorm in the early hours of the morning. Minghao looked at him strangely sometimes, as though Jeonghan was some sort of an anomaly, and the older wished he could tell him he was sorry. Sometimes he told Junhui to apologize on his behalf, but it didn’t make him feel any better.

“Hyung, we can’t even understand each other.” Chan was whining, their earlier discussion long forgotten, and Jeonghan smiled up at his dongsaeng.

“Then go practice you brat. How do you think he feels? He can’t talk to anyone except Junnie, and that gets old pretty fast.” Chan huffed but smiled nonetheless at his hyung’s words before scrambling off to find Minghao.

Jeonghan watched him go with a sweet, contemplative smile. He loved him, loved all of them. He told himself that was why he let it happen, because as long as it was happening to him, it wouldn’t happen to Chan or Hansol or Minghao or Seungkwan. It wouldn’t happen to any of the kids, and Jeonghan felt justified in putting himself through all of the pain if it meant he could protect them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lots of allusions to noncon here and coming up in later chapters
> 
> also for those of you who don't know, minki is ren from nu'est
> 
> and ik i already said this but i wanna say it again: THE MANAGERS AND CEO AND EVERYONE WORKING FOR PLEDIS ARE MADE UP AND I DONT THINK THAT PLEDIS DOES THIS AND THIS DOESNT HAVE TO DO WITH WHAT I THINK AB PLEDIS AT ALL OKAY THANKS
> 
> okay y'all pls enjoy and don't read if easily triggered! be safe <333

They were about a month away from debut when Jeonghan passed out at a dance practice.

They had been rehearsing for hours and Jeonghan was tired. There had been a nightmare nearly every night for the last two weeks, and his meetings with management were growing longer and more frequent.

The choreography wasn’t particularly difficult, although it was exerting. There was a lot of running and jumping, and although Jeonghan couldn’t be more excited for their debut stage, he wasn’t fairing very well.

Jisoo had been noticing; they all had. But Jeonghan couldn’t do anything about it. He had a job to do, and sacrificing his health in order to make sure that his dongsaeng’s debuted was worth it.

They were in the last stretch of the song, and Jeonghan was supposed to jump. He felt his feet come off the ground, but he didn’t feel himself land.

Jeonghan woke up on the practice room floor, only Seungcheol, Jisoo, Junhui, and a manager present. The manager, Sunghoon, had always been nice, albeit scarce when it came to Jeonghan, and the older boy was surprised to see him. He was staring at his shoes, a contemplative scowl adorning his face.

Jisoo was cradling the older head in his lap, smiling sadly. Jeonghan was looking at him upside down, but the bags under his eyes were unmistakable. Jeonghan wanted to apologize, but as soon as he shifted his neck, his head started pounding. He flinched lightly at the sudden feeling, letting out a quiet wince as he did so.

“Don’t move too much, Han. Take it slow.” Jisoo was sweet, soft, and Jeonghan felt ashamed.

“Do you know how lucky you are? You could’ve cracked your head open. You’re lucky that Hansol managed to catch you. What were-“ The yelling was loud and hostile against Jeonghan’s headache, causing the boy to snap his eyes closed in reflex. Seungcheol sounded exasperated, maybe even a little angry, and Jeonghan felt bile rising in his throat. It had been two years and never once had the older jeopardized the group like that, even with the constant struggle of keeping his head above water.

“Seungcheol. That’s enough.” Sunghoon was quiet but stern, and the leader immediately stopped talking, directing his eyes to the floor. The manager sighed before taking a few steps toward Jeonghan.

Sunghoon knew. He didn’t participate, didn’t care to, but he knew. He knew about Minki, about why they had to grow their hair out, about why they had to present themselves as the pretty, delicate boys the world knew them as. Jeonghan tried not to scoot away as he got closer.

“Jeonghan seems to be a bit overworked, but nothing worthy of a hospital visit.” The manager spoke carefully, trying to not sound entirely indifferent.

Junhui, who had been silently leaning against one of the mirrors, pushed himself up and slowly stepped passed Seungcheol and the manager until he was kneeling in front of Jeonghan. The boy didn’t smile, didn’t look remotely reassuring as he opened his mouth.

“What do you think, hyung? Do you need a hospital.”

Jeonghan didn’t lift his head, but he allowed his eyes to flicker between his dongsaeng and Sunghoon, anxious. The manager looked irritated by Junhui’s question and Jeonghan knew he wouldn’t be going to a hospital.

“No, hyung’s right. I really am fine, just tired.”

The reply made Junhui sigh, and the older realized that he had lost him once again. The younger boy nodded slowly, stood, and made to exit the room entirely. Seungcheol called after him quietly, but the younger just ignored him.

Jeonghan wanted to cry, wanted to throw up, wanted to lie down and never have to get up. Jisoo just ran his fingers through the older’s sweat-soaked hair.

Sunghoon cleared his throat, pulling three pairs of eyes towards him.

“Both of you, head and head back to the dorm. Jeonghan and I are going to have a meeting with management, to figure out how long we can give him to rest with debut right around the corner. I already called ahead, everyone is waiting.”

Jeonghan could only blink at the words. Meetings with management were only ever about one thing, and Sunghoon knew.

Jisoo had immediately tried to argue, claiming that he should be with Jeonghan. Seungcheol had even come back with a comment, asking why management couldn’t wait until tomorrow to decide. It was seven in the evening, after all, and they had school the next day.

Sunghoon grumbled out dismissive replies to them both before shooing them away, both boys looking confused and concerned.

Jisoo helped the older to his feet before leaving, glancing back at his roommate and best friend as he went.

Jeonghan’s head was screaming at the movement, but he smiled and waved him on as if he was completely fine. Seungcheol held the door open for the younger man, frowning back at Sunghoon before he followed him out of the room.

The room felt eerily quiet without the breathing of the other two members and Jeonghan couldn’t help but let his fake smile slide off of his lips. He glanced at himself in the mirror in front of him, noting the bruises under his eyes from lack of rest and his rumbled hair from Jisoo’s lap. He looked useless, helpless, eyes welling with tears at the thought of where the night was taking him.

“If I had it my way, you’d be on your way to the hospital right now. Let’s go.”

The words felt oddly final as the boy glanced from his reflection to Sunghoon. Jeonghan nodded but didn’t respond, not caring what the man before him would do if he had it his way. He didn’t have it his way, and Jeonghan didn’t expect that to ever change.

The walk to the big room on the fifth floor was long, but never long enough. Jeonghan could never quite disassociate himself before he got there.

The doors were big, cherry wood of course, and they took up a large majority of Jeonghan’s reoccurring nightmare’s. Those doors made his eyes tear and his lips shake. He wanted to scream when he saw them, when Sunghoon pushed them open and guided him inside, but he didn’t. He supposed that was why he couldn’t contain it at night. He spent almost every day biting his lip and holding his tongue. In his dreams, he could let out all the pent up hurt and sadness.

There were three men in the room, seated around a small table in the center of the room. Jeonghan didn’t recognize two of them.

Lee Jinho, CEO of Pledis Entertainment, glanced up and smiled upon seeing Jeonghan’s frail, trembling frame in the doorway.

Sunghoon bowed tightly before exiting the room, softly shutting the heavy doors behind him. The noise caused the boy to flinch, but he didn’t move or turn to run the way he had when he was still new; when he still thought he could run away from the complicated mess that his life was becoming.

Jinho stood, pushing his chair back sharply on the hardwood floor and Jeonghan immediately went into a perfect ninety degree bow. He didn’t want to make this harder than it had to be.

“Jeonghan-ah! I wasn’t planning on having you back until tomorrow, but I’m happy you could join us.” The man sounded jovial and Jeonghan didn’t dare move, instead staying still with his back flat and his nose pointed toward the ground. It felt like a trap, but it always did, so the boy just swallowed and tried to pretend he was anywhere else.

“He’s pretty. A lot like Minki, too.” The words came from one of the men that Jeonghan didn’t know, and he tried not to let tears well up because of them. Minki was kind, and Jeonghan appreciated him more than the older boy could possibly know.

Not long after everything began, the older boy came to him with worried eyes and tight lips, whisking him away and asking him the most humiliating question that Jeonghan had ever had to answer. Jeonghan had sat silent for a second, unsure if he should tell, but the tears that welled within his tired eyes gave him away in seconds.

Minki told him his own story then, and Jeonghan found himself crying harder, not only for his hyung, but for his future. Two short years later, and his fate had become a terrible reality.

Whenever things got bad, or something was visible, the boy would call Minki, because the older knew what to do. None of his members knew either, and that instantly made Jeonghan feel more comfortable. Minki wouldn’t tell because he had his own secrets to keep.

“Why do you think I chose him? I thought about choosing one of the younger ones for a little while. You know, Hansol? But he’s too mouthy. Doubt he would behave the way this one does.”

Jeonghan tried to focus on the pounding in his head, tried to block out the words around him.

“How’d you train him?” Jeonghan felt embarrassed, vile, as though he was nothing more than an animal for them to gawk at. He closed his eyes and stayed still.

“Didn’t need to. He knows I’ll bring one of the maknaes in here if he doesn’t listen. Channie, or Hansol, or maybe even Myungho. I bet he’s flexible.” The words were all it took for the tears to fall, leaking out of Jeonghan’s sealed eyes and down his nose, stopping only when they hit the floor. Jeonghan hated hearing his member’s names in Jinho’s mouth, hated the way the man refused to say Minghao’s Chinese name.

“Is he already crying?” The question sounded far away with the pounding in his head steadily growing, and Jeonghan flinched when he felt a hand land softly on the back of his head, petting.

“Shh, Hannie. Save those for later. We haven’t even gotten started.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more allusions to noncon and a mildly triggering flashback as well!! nothing graphic, but be safe!!

They had given him two weeks. No vocals, no dancing, nothing. That didn’t include his almost daily meetings with management, though. Those never went away.

The rest was nice, and Jeonghan found himself sleeping during the day when the kids were at school and the older boys were off training, preparing for debut. Usually, the boy would come to in the middle of the afternoon, a scream falling from his lips and sweat clinging to his shaking body. It was a terrible way to wake up, but he was alone. There was nobody to disrupt, nobody to worry. Jeonghan was proud when he could stay awake through the nights, allowing the younger members to rest without disturbance.

The end of the two weeks came rather quickly, but Jeonghan tried not to pout. He felt better, happier, now that his members were looking less tired. Jisoo was smiling more, his eyes void of their usual sleepiness.

Jeonghan didn’t have a nightmare the day before and even managed to catch a few hours of sleep during the night, something he had taken to forgoing almost always. He felt rested, ready to take over the world with his brothers by his side.

The title track had been set for a while, and although Jeonghan didn’t have many lines, he was proud of what he did get. The filming had also been nearly finished in the weeks prior to Jeonghan’s little slip up. The boys were headed to the studio, vocal practice and a few final touch ups on recording, the manager had told them. Jeonghan didn’t think anything of it.

Jeonghan also didn’t expect to see Lee Jinho seated in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs upon their arrival, hands sat rigid in his lap and eyes contemplative as he looked up. Jeonghan’s mouth opened in his surprise and his eyes locked with the CEO. The man looked smug at the reaction, and the boy almost forgot to bow out of fear. It was Junhui who nudged him, eyes confused and concerned. The older ignored his dongsaeng, bowing low and respectful before straightening and locking his eyes on his shoes.

The boy had been in Lee Jinho’s presence hundreds of times, but few of those had been with his members present. Even fewer had ended well for him.

The CEO stood and acknowledged the group before him, speaking lightly with Seungcheol and Jihoon for a few moments. The rest of the members made idle chitchat among each other, but not Jeonghan. The older boy kept his eyes down, feeling both Junhui’s curious glance as well as Lee Jinho’s intrusive stare every so often. It felt like a punishment, for screwing up debut preparations, for not being able to handle it.

“I just wanted to stop by and see you all, as I am impressed with the progress most of you are making and think the title track will be a hit.” The words sounded encouraging, but Jeonghan didn’t miss the subtle jab in his direction. Most of you.

“However, due to recent events, there are a couple of lines in the song that I think should be rerecorded.” Jeonghan’s eyes left his shoes at that, shooting up to lock with Lee Jinho’s dark ones. The man was already watching him, waiting for the reaction his words would bring. Jeonghan wished he would have resisted, wished he wasn’t so weak.

Seungcheol cleared his throat as though he was going to speak, but the CEO beat him to it. He feigned sincerity as he said his next words, but Jeonghan felt his true intentions.

“Yoon Jeonghan’s recent injuries have taken him out of vocal training and I am concerned for his wellbeing on stage after debut. I think it would be wiser to divide his lines between Seungkwan and Seokmin until he is rested enough to perform and sing at an acceptable ability.” The words left a dull ringing in his ears, as though they were too painful to hear. Jeonghan had done everything Lee Jinho had requested of him, he had become the pretty little thing that Jinho demanded he be, and this was his reward?

Seungcheol tried to argue, albeit respectfully, but Jinho didn’t leave much room. He spoke sorrowfully, eyes locking with Jeonghan’s once again, before telling the two main vocals to get to recording. Seungkwan, Seokmin, and Jihoon, who was helping with production, all scampered back into a booth, choosing not to look back at Jeonghan’s frail figure.

Jeonghan watched them go, eyes wide and mouth parted. He had done everything. He had lived the past two years on his knees, biding his time until he could hear himself on a stage, side by side with his best friends. He had taken everything, rolled over and closed his eyes and said nothing, all so he and his brothers could debut. He did it because who would have if not him? Hansol? Chan? He gave up so much of himself for the man standing in front of him, mouth downturned but eyes alight with a mischievous sort of triumph.

“I believe it would be wise for Jeonghan to complete some one on one vocal training with a coach this afternoon, as well as for the next few weeks. Hopefully he will be in good enough condition to perform at debut.” With his final words delivered, and a short, tight nod of his head, the man was turning and leaving. Jeonghan was supposed to bow, he knew that much. But he would rather take the punishment that would surely come than show any sort of submission to the CEO in that moment.

A soft hand touched his shoulder, and Jeonghan was suddenly back in the company’s office. Jinho was petting his hair, softly purring to him about how pretty he is, how he looks so much like Minki. One of the other men, one Jeonghan didn’t know by name, was stroking his shoulders as Jeonghan sat in his lap, the man’s dick hard against the underside of the boy’s thigh. There were tears in his eyes and the fingers in his hair suddenly snapped to life, pulling roughly on the strands until Jeonghan’s neck was bent at a vulnerable angle.

“You better start participating, Hannie. I’ll call Myungho up here right now. Do you want to test me?”

Jeonghan flinched, but shook his head sharply.

“No! I’m sorry. I’ll do better, I-I promise. Please, don’t.”

And then the hand in his hair was gone, the fingers on his shoulder retreating as though they had been burned, the tears in his eyes falling despite how hard he had tried to keep them at bay.

“Jeonghan. Jeonghan, calm down.”

It wasn’t Jinho, and it wasn’t the unnamed man. It wasn’t some random manager or producer, rubbing against him for the sake of themselves and only themselves. This person didn’t want anything from him, save for him to breathe and be okay and stop scaring the kids.

Jisoo was standing directly in front of him when Jeonghan blinked his eyes open slowly. He looked deathly afraid, something Jeonghan hadn’t seen in the younger since the first few nightmares had occurred. Jeonghan could hear talking around him, could feel the rush of bodies moving and shifting until the air was completely still and it was just Jisoo left.

The younger wasn’t touching him like he usually did when Jeonghan awoke from one of his nightmares. He wasn’t holding him and trying to comfort him, and that was when the older boy realized that it wasn’t just a routine nightmare. It was real; a flashback. He couldn’t pretend he was just missing home or remembering the monster that lived under his childhood bed. There was no more lying his way out and ignoring the member’s questions. Not after this.

“Hannie. Jeonghan, it’s just you and me. Stop crying.”

Only then did the older boy feel the wetness on his face and the trembling of his lips. He figured he must look awful, suddenly feeling ashamed that the kids had seen him that way; that they had heard him beg like that.

“What was that? You’ve never reacted like that, I don’t even know what to-“ Jisoo was rambling, and Jeonghan felt his eyes shut at the notion of having to explain. What could he even say? They hadn’t even debuted; the boy couldn’t risk ruining all of his dongsaeng’s hopes and dreams. That was why he was doing this in the first place. That was why he suffered, so they didn’t have to.

Even if he could manage telling Jisoo, the younger would tell Seungcheol and it would all be over. Seungcheol would likely confront the CEO, or maybe he would do something even dumber, like go to the press. No matter what he did, it all ended exactly the same way for them. Seventeen would be blacklisted, their names and music belonging to Pledis and their reputations belonging in the gutter. And for all Jeonghan knew, Jinho wouldn’t even let it go that far. He might just toss the boy aside and deny any claims made against him. Pledis wasn’t exactly a part of the Big Three, but Jeonghan was nothing. Minki, despite the little success Nu’est had gained, was nothing compared to Jinho. They wouldn’t stand a chance.

“Can you even hear me? Do I need to call an ambulance? Shit, Hannie, I’m going to call a manager if you don’t fucking answer me-“

The mention of a manager had Jeonghan’s eyes shooting open and his head shaking back and forth wildly. Jisoo was shocked at the reaction, but nodded and began trying to soothe the older’s panicked state.

“Okay, okay. I won’t call anyone. Okay? Just me. But you have to talk to me, Han. You’ve got to give me something.” The words were calm, fairly quiet compared to Jeonghan’s labored breathing, but the older heard them nonetheless. He nodded at that, reaching up to rub at his red eyes and wipe away the snot from his nose. Jisoo smiled a little, albeit sadly, as his best friend desperately tried to gather himself. Little did he know that the older was having a full out war with himself in his head.

“Let’s sit down.” Those were the only words that Jeonghan could think to say, thoughts of shame and humiliation plaguing his tired body. Where had all his energy gone? He had finally felt well rested, probably for the first time in two years, and now all he wanted was to go to sleep and never wake up. 

“Sure, Han.”

The two walked slowly toward the corner of the room, where a small, leather loveseat sat smushed between a fake tree and a glass end table. It was all very modern and sleek, something put there for appearances sake and never intended to be used.

Jeonghan curled into the furthest corner of the couch, small arms wrapped around his middle. Jisoo followed him, sitting close enough to touch, but choosing not to. The younger boy looked nervous, or at least Jeonghan thought so, and the older boy suddenly felt immensely guilty. He was about to ruin everything for Jisoo. He could lie, but the younger would know. Jisoo always knew. Then their relationship would be thinner than it already was, hanging on by threads of mistrust and uncertainty.

“I-“

That was it. That was all the older could say. He wanted to say something, hell, anything if it meant Jisoo would stop looking at him so expectantly. Jeonghan couldn’t give him an answer that the younger would be okay with. No matter what, Jeonghan was going to hurt his best friend, his donsaengs, and, ultimately, himself.

“This is about the lines. I got that much.” Jisoo was trying to help, trying to explain as much for himself as he could, so that Jeonghan wouldn’t have to. The gesture was kind, thoughtful, but Jeonghan felt as though the truth was closing in. He had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

“I don’t- I’m not mad. At the kids, I mean. It’s not that.” Jeonghan felt a little lighter getting that out. Seungkwan and Seokmin were both empathetic to a fault, taking on their hyung’s pain as though it was their own. Thinking that they had caused that pain for Jeonghan was surely eating them alive.

“I know that. They do, too. Even if they might not think that right now. They know your’e not mad at them.”

Jisoo was smiling softly when Jeonghan dared a glance up at him, and the older knew he was right.

“It’s not abut the lines. I- Well- I guess it is.”

The older cringed at the unsure tone in his voice. He felt stupid. Why couldn’t he hold it in? The boy had never reacted like that when another member touched him. He had never even flinched.

“It’s okay. You can say anything. I won’t judge you. I just want to know what happened. That- Whatever happened was pretty scary. The kids were pretty fucking scared. Hell, I was scared, Han.”

Jeonghan gulped and looked down at his hands, loose strands of hair falling into his face.

“I’ve worked so hard, Soo. I thought- I thought everything would be worth it if- I thought I wouldn’t feel so fucking useless if I could just debut. That all this pain, all of this bullshit wouldn’t be for nothing. I thought I was worth more than this.” Jeonghan whispered out the confession, hating how pathetic he felt saying it. He hated the soft hitch in Jisoo’s breath as he heard what the older had to say. He hated how guilty he felt for hiding the real reason from his best friend.

“Jeonghan. You’re not- God, you’re not useless. You’re worth so much. The kids rely on you, Han. How would Chan even feed himself if it wasn’t for you? You’re practically raising him.”

Jeonghan shook his head softly, feeling salty tears pool in the corners of his eyes once again. Jisoo didn’t know what he meant, and although he was glad for that, hearing his words of comfort did little to help the older boy.

“And Minghao. I know he doesn’t say it, but it’s obvious how much he looks up to you. He misses home like crazy. He misses his mom. You take care of him, you go out of you’re way to be there for him and he loves you for that, Hannie.”

Jeonghan wanted to stop him. He didn’t want to hear what Jisoo had to say. It wouldn’t change his reality. He wasn’t going to be the singer he’d dreamed of being. He was only ever going to be something for someone else to use, and not even the love from his dongsaengs could change that.

“Seungkwannie. You spoil him, you tell him how talented he is, you support every crazy idea and dumb decision and tell him that it’s okay when something doesn’t work out. You tell him that he’s perfect the way he is, and he believes you. Only, you.”

The older let out a quiet sob at his friend’s words, shrinking in on himself as his head dropped down to his chest. He felt like a child.

“And then there’s me, Han. I rely on you. For everything. You took me in when I got here. You helped me with Korean and singing and dancing and fucking remembering to eat dinner. You are my best friend, Yoon Jeonghan, and don’t you ever tell me that you are useless again.”

Jeonghan bit his finger to hold his muffled sobs in, desperately trying not to scream at Jisoo that none of that mattered. He could be the best hyung in the world and it wouldn’t matter. Because all anyone thought he was good for was rough sex and good head. He wasn’t a singer, he wasn’t a dancer, he was a just a whore.

It took a few minutes for the older boy to regain himself. He wiped away his tears and snot once more, blinking up at the younger boy with hard eyes.

“J-Jisoo. I will never be the singer this group needs or deserves. The CEO knows what I am. Just- You all should quit pretending I’m someone that I’m not.”

And without another word, the older boy stood. He didn’t look down at Jisoo, instead walking right passed him and down the long hallway leading to recording studios and training rooms. Jisoo wanted to follow, but all he could do was watch, his remaining questions dying on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos + comments!! <333


	5. Chapter 5

Jeonghan hadn’t made it to a practice room like he had intended to. He had barely made it to the bathroom before he was collapsing into a pile of desperate tears and sobs, door flying closed behind him. He leaned back against it, pulling his tired knees into his chest and hugging them with frail arms.

He hadn’t allowed Jisoo to ask him about what happened. He had spewed out some excuse about being useless and thinking he was worth more than this and let Jisoo comfort him. He had avoided the subject of his nightmares altogether, hoping and praying his best friend would just leave it be. But Jisoo wasn’t stupid, and Jeonghan could feel the question bubbling up behind his lips. Why were you begging? Why did you sound so scared, Han? Let me help you, let us help you.

He had to escape; he had to get away from Jisoo’s knowing gaze before he cracked and said everything he had been hiding for the past two years. After a few pregnant moments of silence, save the shaky gasps emanating deep from within Jeonghan’s throat, the boy wondered if Jisoo was looking for him. He had been in such a hurry to get away that he hadn’t considered the possibility of the younger following him. Closing his eyes and wringing his fingers together tightly, Jeonghan quietly hoped that Jisoo had dejectedly followed the other members to their scheduled vocal training upstairs.

One of the sink faucets, the one farthest from Jeonghan was leaking, had been the entire time. The noise it made was tiny, almost unnoticeable, but as the boy’s breathes finally evened out into a shallow rhythm, it became entirely impossible to ignore. Every three seconds a quiet drip would find itself echoing around the large bathroom, and Jeonghan was finding it hard not to flinch.

He felt suffocated, both by the noise around him, as well as the noise in his mind. He allowed his head to fall backwards, not even wincing at the thud against the wood behind him. His eyes remained closed, but he moved his hands away from each other. He had begun picking as his nails out of habit, but the stylists had already berated him enough. He didn’t want to make things worse.

Jeonghan didn’t have a very god sense of time, especially in his tired state, but he knew a good thirty minutes had to have passed already. The realization didn’t make the boy scramble to his feet like it would have used to. Jeonghan doubted he would be of any use at vocal training with the rest of Seventeen, and he was pretty sure Jinho was going to be expecting him soon anyway. The one on one vocal training was merely a cover for more hours spent in the CEO’s private office or conference room.

Besides, Jeonghan knew Jisoo or Seungcheol would corner him as soon as he walked into the room, professionalism and discretion be damned. The boy knew he was in no state to lie to them right now, not after the vague bullshit he fed Jisoo. He needed a few hours away, some time to think about his next move.

He didn’t know how he was going to play off the flashback. It was one thing to wake up crying and screaming for someone not to hurt you, but it was an entirely different beast to have them ripped out of you while you’re wide awake. He couldn’t pretend or ignore it anymore, and Jeonghan had no idea what the hell he was supposed to say. He could ask Jinho, tell him he needs to think of something if he wants to keep their arrangement in tact. But the mention of Jeonghan’s fuck up may spur the man into a rage of both physical and sexual torture, something else the boy wasn’t sure he could hide. Talking to Minki wasn’t an option. The boy was in Japan with the rest of his group, promoting and trying to make a name for themselves. This was the older’s time to forget, to pretend his life wasn’t just a series of watching his back and spreading his legs.

Jeonghan knew they threatened Minki the same way they threatened him: If you don’t cooperate, I’ll be forced to call Minhyun up here to take your place. How does that sound? That had worked while they were trainees, had persuaded him to behave as they debuted and began to develop a fanbase. But as they got older, Minki had listened less. He knew Jinho could only threaten him so much, and that none of his hyungs would stand for the degrading and humiliating treatment that he had for so long. He knew they were more or less empty threats.

And then plans for Seventeen started bubbling up around Pledis and Jinho knew he had found an entirely new way to hold Minki captive. I bet Choi Seungcheol would do anything to debut, think we should call him up and see? Hansol would look good on his knees, would be a little bit more grateful for everything I’ve done for him, wouldn’t he?

Jeonghan had cried when Minki told him about the threats. He had cried into the older boy’s neck, thanking him for not letting anything happen to his brothers, for protecting them when it wasn’t his job. Minki had cried too, albeit much less than Jeonghan, saying that he wished he could have protected him from the same pain he was suffering.

The boy felt like laughing at the thought, although there was no humor in it. There wasn’t anyway to protect him then and there wouldn’t be anyway to protect him now. He wasn’t as talented as Seokmin or Seungkwan, he couldn’t dance like Soonyoung or Chan, he wasn’t a face of the group like Mingyu or Jisoo or Hansol. He didn’t have something to make him untouchable. All he was good for in Seventeen was making sure none of the other boys had to suffer the same hell he did.

A knock at the door had the boy shrieking and scrambling away on his hands and knees, his light breathing quickly turning violent in his chest. The door flew open without the weight of Jeonghan’s back pressed against it, the handle hitting the wall with a giant smack. The boy flinched at the noise, chancing a glance up toward whoever had come looking for him.

Jeonghan didn’t know who he was more afraid to see, his members or a manager. But as his glassy eyes finally landed on the pressed pants and crisp white button down of Sunghoon, he wished it was Jisoo’s warm, chocolate ones that were looking down at him.

“Don’t you look at your phone?” Jeonghan was still processing the arrival of someone else in the room, slowly shaking his head as he realized he was asked a question. The manager sighed, looking completely displeased but not quite angry as he stepped into the room and closed the door once again. The proximity made the younger’s heart rate quicken, his eyes darting from Sunghoon and the door behind him every few seconds. 

Sunghoon was fairly young and recently married. All of the members had attended the ceremony a few months ago, Seokmin even dedicating a few songs to the newlyweds. It had been sweet, and Jeonghan had seen the immense love in his manager’s eyes as he danced with his wife for hours into the night. The boy had even heard from Jisoo that the couple was expecting a baby come November.

Jeonghan had always assumed Sunghoon didn’t touch him because he was happy at home. Jinho had offered him a dozen opportunities to have his way with the trainee, but the older had always refused with a polite bow before taking his leave. The boy presumed that fact was supposed to make him trust the man, but as he slowly inched forward, all Jeonghan could think was that it was finally happening.

“I’ve been looking for you for forty-five minutes.” The words did nothing the calm the younger’s racing heart, and Jeonghan found himself scooting as far back as possible when Sunghoon crouched down before him.

The man was looking at him contemplatively and the trainee averted his eyes.

“I- Please, if you’re going to touch me, just take me to the conference room first. I don’t want someone to walk in.”

There was a long silence before Jeonghan returned his eyes to Sunghoon’s unwavering ones. The contemplative look was still there, accompanied by something similar to pity, although the mysterious emotion vanished just as quickly as it had appeared. The manager stood quickly, his knees popping from the movement. Jeonghan was confused, but not naive enough to allow relief to sink in. 

Sunghoon pulled out his phone for a second, typing something out quickly before shoving the thing into his pants pocket. He turned toward the door, grabbing the handle before stopping and turning back toward the cowering boy on the floor.

“I’m never going to touch you. I’m not that kind of man. But I need this job, I have a kid on the way. So for now, I can’t help you.” The words were skillfully void of emotion and Jeonghan watched as the man closed his eyes for a tense second of thought. “I’m sorry. The CEO has requested your presence.”

Jeonghan opened his mouth, wanting to say something to the admission, but nothing came out. What was he supposed to say? That it was all okay? That he understood? None of it was okay, whether Jeonghan understood or not.

Despite the whirlwind of thoughts swirling around in his head, Jeonghan swallowed and stood on shaky legs, reaching up to wipe away the tear tracks along his pale cheeks. He had kept Jinho waiting long enough, his punishment was already going to be one of the worst in a while.

Rather than acknowledging the manager’s words, the trainee just ran a hand through his disheveled hair before muttering out a tiny, “let’s go.”

The walk was the same as always, too short and too long all at once. Jeonghan wished he could step out of his body for a few hours, wished he could just go somewhere else. But Jinho didn’t like it when he didn’t participate.

The cherry doors were stood tall, closed and doing very little to protect Jeonghan from the onslaught of emotional trauma flooding into every corner of his mind. Sunghoon was a few paces ahead of him, keeping his eyes on the ground as he approached the entrance. The manager knocked quickly, opening the door without so much as a sound from the other side. He stepped through the threshold quickly, back straight and eyes raised to meet the CEO’s where he sat. Jeonghan took a shaky breath as he slid into the room behind Sunghoon, keeping his eyes on his old practice shoes.

“Thank you, Sunghoon. You’re dismissed, unless you want to take a turn this time?” The CEO stood, abruptly cutting off the conversation among the men in the room. There were six including Jinho, the most Jeonghan had ever had to deal with at once. Jinho circled the large table until he was only a few feet in front of the two men. Sunghoon bowed quickly, although not as low as he usually did. Jinho didn’t seem to notice, eyes glued to Jeonghan’s teary ones, smiling wickedly.

“No, thank you sir. When should I come back to retrieve him?” Sunghoon didn’t move a muscle as he spoke, and Jeonghan allowed his gaze to fall on him instead of Jinho. The younger realized, albeit belatedly, that he hadn’t shown any sort of respect toward the men before him, something else Jinho was going to surely punish him for.

Jeonghan quickly fell into a shaky bow, a full ninety degrees despite the weariness within his tired body. He could hear a laugh resonate within the CEO’s throat, likely making fun of the trainee’s obvious fear and practiced obedience. There were a few snickers and quiet murmurs escaping the other men in the room as well, and Jeonghan did everything in his power to pretend they weren’t there.

“I’d say three hours should cover it, maybe a little more depending on how well our Jeonghannie behaves.” The words were met with more chuckles and much less quiet banter from the rest of the room’s occupants. Jeonghan felt sick.

Sunghoon stood abruptly, and although the trainee couldn’t see his face from where he stood bowed, he knew well enough that the manager had nodded tightly before turning and exiting the room. Sunghoon was always distant when he had to be the one escorting Jeonghan, and the younger had caught onto the quick and efficient routine immediately. In and out.

The manager had closed the tall doors with a heavy hand, and the boy tried not to flinch at the sound they made. His heart was in his ears, yet at the same time, his senses felt like they were all on overdrive. He could virtually feel the eyes on him, could taste the tension and anticipation in the air.

“God, you really know how to pick them.” The words were spit out, punctuated with a bark of laughter. Jeonghan closed his eyes, the sudden tears rapidly clouding them. He was never good at this part; he was never good at hearing them talk about him like he wasn’t even there. Despite everything Jinho had done to him over the last two years, he had never quite learned how to just take it.

“He’s pretty isn’t he? A real prize. Maybe even better than Minki. That one fights a little too much, but this one- This one just rolls over and takes it.” The words were dehumanizing, and a small sob found its way up and out of Jeonghan’s throat. The noise was fairly quiet, but with all eyes on him, it was hard to miss.

A few snickers echoed around the table of men and Jeonghan squeezed his eyes even tighter. He felt exposed, filthy. If only Jisoo could see him now; the boy would think twice before climbing into bed with him almost every night.

Suddenly, a steady hand was petting its way into Jeonghan’s loose hair, combing between the soft strands and scratching lightly at the boy’s scalp. The gesture was sweet, charming even, and the younger could practically feel the bile rising. He hated when Jinho was nice to him, because it made the entire ordeal so much harder to ignore.

The touch had made Jeonghan flinch at first, but Jinho either didn’t notice or care enough to pull back. Instead, the older man continued his menstrations, letting out a soft and content sigh after a moment.

“You really are something, Hannie.”

Without warning, Jinho’s tender movements turned violent, his fingers tightening beyond the point of pain within Jeonghan’s brown hair. The trainee couldn’t help the cry that fell from his chapped lips as his eyes shot open in surprise. The CEO pulled the younger forward, causing him to crash onto his hands and knees, neck pulled backward at an awkward angle to relieve some of the tension on his scalp. The position was obscene, a show of dominance and power from Jinho. The men ate it up, howling in laughter as he pulled just a little bit tighter.

“Too bad you couldn’t hold it together until debut. Fainting at practice, your little episode in the lobby. You think I wasn’t going to find out about that? Seungcheol marched up here asking me to reconsider taking you out of the fucking song. Told me all about your little episode.”

Each word sounded sharper in Jeonghan’s ears, the boy nearly sobbing by the time Jinho was finished speaking. The man let go of the boy’s hair suddenly, and the unexpected action caused Jeonghan to fall forward onto his elbows. He laid his head against the floor, closing his eyes at the cries rattled through him, entire body trembling out of both emotional and physical pain. The night had barely even begun.

“You’re practically certifiable now, aren’t you? I’ll do better, I promise. How the fuck is that supposed to look, huh? Your leader is already asking questions, what if this happens in public? At an airport? You’re inability to shut your fucking mouth is going to be the end of Seventeen.”

The words were quieter now, more menacing, and Jeonghan knew that he had ruined things for himself in more ways that one. Jinho had a point. The flashback was new and, as far as the boy could tell, incontrollable. He would be ruining everything for the members if he had one of those in front of the cameras. Not only was he useless in the musical aspect of Seventeen, but now he had proven incapable of protecting them.

Jinho was walking away from him now, his steps prominent in the large room. The man finally sat down in his earlier seat, and Jeonghan could hear the leather groaning under the movement. He hated that chair, hated the man who sat in it.

“However, I am going to give you a chance to redeem yourself. If I were you, I would take it. Because if you don’t, it’s Hansol who is going to be bent over this table everyday for the next ten years.”

Jeonghan looked up sharply, eyes locked on the man who had made his dream a living nightmare for the last two years. He couldn’t let that happen to Hansol. He couldn’t let it happen to any of them. The boy opened his mouth before decidedly snapping it shut. He closed his eyes for a moment, hoping to regain as much of his composure as possible. Jinho was going to do everything he could to break him down and build up the perfect toy for him to play with, and Jeonghan was outnumbered six to one.

As two of the men stood from their spots at the table, laughing and walking towards him slowly, Jeonghan swallowed down the last of his pride. It would all be worth it if he could just fix his mistake; it would all be worth it if no one else had to get hurt.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i updated something

His stunt at the company building had landed him a visit with Pledis’ private physician, an older man who was informed on everything that went on between the CEO and his idols. Jeonghan had only met him twice, the first time when he had twisted his ankle while dancing nearly a year and a half ago, and the second when one of Jinho’s friends didn’t prep him well enough. Minki had told him that the man, Dowon, was kind enough, and that it was easier to just let him help. Infections were far worse than the embarrassment.

Despite the pain, Jeonghan had made it through the entire ordeal without much physical evidence. There were a few bruises on his hips, as well some burns on his knees and elbows, but nothing incriminating. Jinho was always careful that way, and Jeonghan was ashamed at how thankful he was.

It had taken longer than the expected three hours, a few of the men taking a second pass after the others had all gone. By that point, however, there was little more pain they could inflict on his body. Rather, Jinho had taken to torturing the boy in other ways.

By the time Sunghoon had pulled open the cherry doors, Jeonghan was nearly unconscious from how long he’d been crying.

The younger couldn’t remember dressing himself. He couldn’t remember how he got to the infirmary, let alone what Dowon had done to him while he was there. He couldn’t remember anything but little Channie’s name in Jinho’s mouth.

He hadn’t made it back to the dorms until nearly midnight, well after the rest of the boys were supposed to be home and in bed. Just in case, Jeonghan made sure to grit his teeth as he opened the door, not wanting someone to see him limping.

Jeonghan had half been expecting Jisoo to be sitting up waiting for him, or maybe even Seungcheol. What he had not been expecting, however, was a tired Junhui to be sat on the couch with his head in his hands.

The younger boy glanced up sharply at the quiet squeak of the door, eyes wide as if he hadn’t realized he was nearly asleep. Jeonghan cursed at his own stupidity. He should have just stayed at the company building.

Jun relaxed after a moment, allowing his eyes to focus in the dimly lit room. He was immediately drawn toward Jeonghan’s cowering figure, youthful eyes hardening as he remembered the events of the day and why he was half asleep on the dorm’s couch.

“Hey.”

Jeonghan had been expecting more. If he was being completely honest, Jeonghan had been expecting Jisoo and Seungcheol and tears and yelling and so many other things, none of which involved Junhui looking at him like he was a child. Although the Chinese boy was younger, he acted twice his age when the cameras weren’t watching.

The maturity had scared Jeonghan at first, that and Junhui’s beautiful long hair. Two years ago, when everything was new and scary and the only person he could look to for guidance was Minki, long hair didn’t mean anything good. Long hair meant pain and torture and Jeonghan had spent days trying to figure out how to ask Junhui if he was being hurt.

Jeonghan had tried to reason with himself that Junhui was too proud to let something so disgusting happen to him, that he would’ve told, that Jinho wouldn’t have tried anything with him. But so much time had passed before Jeonghan had been brought in as a trainee, months upon years of opportunities for one of his boys to have been hurt.

Jeonghan had made himself sick for weeks before Junhui finally cut his hair, and that night the older boy slept soundly for the first time since everything had started.

Jun was staring at him quizzically now, eyes narrowing at the older trainee’s silence. Jeonghan didn’t know what to do. He had been stealing himself for the worst, and yet, he felt entirely unprepared for whatever Junhui was going to say to him.

The younger boy stood up slowly, and Jeonghan realized that he was still wearing his dirty practice clothes.

“Where have you been?”

Jeonghan had thought of a response to that question ahead of time, knowing that it was likely to be the first thing asked of him. He slowly shut the front door, toeing off his shoes into the already large pile, and dropped his eyes to his hands out of guilt.

“Vocal practice. Meeting with the CEO. A-And I called my mom.”

“And that’s why you’re not making it home until midnight?”

The younger obviously didn’t believe him, and Jeonghan wasn’t really expecting him to. Jisoo, maybe. Seungcheol, definitely. But not Junhui.

Jeonghan stepped further into the room, still not looking away from his hands. There were tiny rug burns on his knuckles, barely noticeable. Jeonghan wished they hurt more.

“The CEO, he apologized for the rash decision. He said- he said he’s only looking out for my health. He’s right. I’m not prepared. I don’t want to embarrass you all when we debut just because I decided to overwork myself and-“

“He said that? That you’d embarrass us?”

Junhui was whispering, or trying to, but Jeonghan’s eyes widened slightly at how loud the words reverberated around his skull. It stung, but not the same as his knuckles.

He immediately shook his head, going to open his mouth and correct himself when Junhui started up again.

“Because that’s not true. You could never embarrass us. I love your voice, Jeonghan. Fuck, I can’t believe he’s doing this to you. You sound just as good as Seungkwan or Seokmin or anyone else and you’ve worked harder than anyone-“

“Jun. Stop.”

The younger of the two snapped around to see Seungcheol standing in the doorway, eyes red and sad. Jeonghan hadn’t seen him come in and was just as surprised as the dancer.

Junhui took a second to stare at his leader, eyes bright with fire and anger and Jeonghan was so sorry. He wished he could take it all away.

Just as Jeonghan was about to interject—defend himself, defend Jinho of all people—Jun huffed and pushed passed the oldest to escape towards his room. Jeonghan felt tears well in his eyes at the sight of him fleeing, but it was better that way. He couldn’t lie to Jun like he could Seungcheol. He hadn’t practiced enough, he felt too guilty.

The leader was staring at something to Jeonghan’s left, eyes empty and tired and unfocused. Jeonghan didn’t want to be the first to speak. He didn’t want to start this.

A minute passed and Jeonghan felt a cramp spiraling up his left leg. He ignored it, trying to shake it out without moving too much. He wanted to disappear. But Seungcheol hadn’t moved an inch. He was thinking, the younger eventually realized, but Jeonghan couldn’t take the silence anymore.

“Where’s Jisoo?” And Jeonghan really could have done better than that.

Seungcheol’s eyes focused suddenly, and Jeonghan watched him blink rapidly a few times before looking up toward the younger boy. Jeonghan tried not to flinch at the feeling of eyes on him, tried not to cower away. It was just Seungcheol.

“He’s asleep. He- well, he cried himself out.”

Jeonghan knew the older didn’t mean it that way, but it felt like an accusation. This was Jeonghan’s fault. Jisoo was so tired and emotionally drained because of him. Everyone was tired because of him. They had been for years. Jeonghan really had never been able to protect them.

“Oh.”

The younger tried not to think about his best friend crying, curled up on his bed clutching his pillow and thinking that somehow Jeonghan’s failure was his fault. Jisoo almost never cried, and suddenly felt more worthless than he had in months.

“Look, Jeonghan, it’s late. Everyone’s asleep. We have to be up pretty early tomorrow and I don’t think the kids can take much more of this. We all love you a lot, Han, so I’m going to be as blatant as possible-“

Jeonghan felt bile rolling around in his stomach, catching in his throat. Whatever Seungcheol was going to say was going to change everything. Jeonghan wasn’t going to be able to lie and shrug everything off the way he had been. Everybody was seeing through him, the kids were seeing through him. He was hurting them. All he’d wanted to do was protect them.

“You get nightmares. We’ve all learned to live with them, for better or worse. Nobody corners you about them and you get to pretend they aren’t happening most of the time but that’s over. That flashback—or whatever the fuck that was—that was the end of it. You’re going to talk to me or you’re going to talk to a doctor but this isn’t happening anymore.”

Jeonghan’s leg seized up in the cramp and the younger stifled his wince by biting his lip. He held his breath, staring at the ground for a few seconds until it passed, and hardly noticed when the tears finally fell.

His leg hurt. His jaw hurt. His scalp hurt. His ass hurt. Everything was suddenly way too much.

Seungcheol had to have noticed the pain he was in, both mentally and physically, but a quick glance told him that the leader was staring at him with uncertain eyes. Jeonghan didn’t know whether to be bitter or thankful.

“I get you’re hurting, Jeonghan. It’s obvious. It has been for years and we have all ignored it and that is on us. But we’re fixing it now. Right now. So is it going to be me, or do I have to call the CEO right now and tell him to get you an appointment with a therapist? Because I swear, Jeonghan, I’ll do it. I don’t care if they move debut. I don’t care if they fucking cancel it-“

“Don’t say that! Don’t you dare say that!”

And Jeonghan really hadn’t meant to yell. Judging by the wide eyes and pale lips, Seungcheol hadn’t expected it either.

The room froze like that, Jeonghan struggling to hold himself up with how bad everything hurt, spit and snot and tears mixing on his face as he sobbed out the words. Seungcheol looked frightened by the image, but he stood his ground nonetheless. Down the hall, Jeonghan could hear hushed voices, confused and scared, before a louder one hissed at everyone to go to their rooms and stay there. Even through his haze, the younger knew it was Jihoon.

Seungcheol gave the younger a few seconds to collect himself, to think, to shift his weight in hopes of easing the pain in his spine. Jeonghan took them without regard for where he was going from there, all thoughts preoccupied with how he couldn’t breathe.

A minute or so later, Jihoon popped his head into the living room, alarmed by the state Jeonghan was in but unwilling to involve himself. Seungcheol looked cautious, but in control of the situation and Jihoon trusted him enough to leave it.

“Try to keep the yelling to a minimum, hyung. The kids are anxious enough as it is.”

Seungcheol nodded without sparing the younger a glance, taking a few steps toward Jeonghan and waving an arm as a signal for Jihoon to take his leave. The younger only hesitated for a second, eyes drawn to Jeonghan’s shaky hands and tousled hair, before swallowing down his questions and fleeing to make sure the younger boys were okay.

Seungcheol was only a few steps away when Jeonghan sucked in a deep breath, held it there, and decided he was okay. He felt like he could still cry, like he could still scream and throw a tantrum with how much stress was sitting on his shoulders, but Seungcheol was just staring at him and Jeonghan knew that each passing second was only incriminating him further.

Locking eyes with the leader, Jeonghan wiped away the moisture on his cheeks and puffed out the breath he was holding before sniffling in a few more through his nose.

“Don’t call the company. Don’t go talk to the CEO anymore. I-I will tell you what’s going on but you are going to drop it. You are going to leave it alone and you are going to let our boys debut. I have done everything for them, and I will not let you ruin it, Choi Seungcheol. I will never forgive you if you do.”

**Author's Note:**

> please leave kudos + comments <33


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